Sometimes, friends can make all the difference in the world, especially for teens: that’s why it’s important to support your friends when they need it. This applies to young adults and adults too, but we’ll focus on teens in this article, because in many cases, teenagers understand what support is when they receive it but are not completely certain how to offer effective support to other teens.
We’ll qualify this entire article with a critical piece of information: if you’re a teenager with a friend in a mental health crisis, the best option is to help them find professional support from a qualified adult. That may mean mental health provider, a school guidance or mental health counselor, or their parents. If a friend approaches you with what sounds like serious mental health problems and begs you not to tell their parents, please encourage them to seek professional support.
But for serious issues, parents need to know.
Also, if your friend is at immediate risk of harm – if they’re in a suicide crisis – call 911 or get them to an emergency room. If they’re not in immediate risk of harm but are having a mental health crisis, call 988, the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
Remember: you’re a friend, not a therapist. Think of it like this. If a friend comes to you with a seriously sprained ankle, you need to do more than tell them to put some ice on it and take ibuprofen. You need to tell them to see a doctor, get an x-ray, and follow directions – which almost always involves parents.
Again, if the problem seems serious, professional help is the best option. And in almost all cases, it’s best for parents to know what’s going on so they can help, too. Exceptions to this rule are beyond the scope of this article. We default to parents knowing what’s going on and keeping them in the loop. It’s also important to understand that in almost all cases involving teens and mental health, parent and family involvement yields the best outcomes.
However, there are ways you can support a friend when they need it. Offering support is a crucial step in helping friends so they don’t escalate to a crisis. And it’s also a crucial step in helping a friend learn they may need professional support for the problems or issues they face.
The Importance of Supporting Friends in 2024
The non-profit mental health advocacy group Mental Health America (MHA) recently published a series of resources designed to help adults and youth support young people. Family and peer support is essential in 2024, according to several publications, advisories, and warnings published by the Office of the Surgeon General of the United States (OSG) about the current state of youth mental health. To be clear the Surgeon General indicates that we’re in a youth mental health crisis.
Read two of the OSG warnings and advisories here and here. Read our analysis on these reports in the following articles on the blog section of our website:
Does Social Media Harm Teen Mental Health?
Improving Adolescent Mental Health: A National Challenge
Now let’s look at the advice from the people at Mental Health America on the best way we can be there to support our friends in need.
How to Support Your Friends: Advice from the Experts
We’ll start with the basics.
A youth mental health advocacy group called Active Minds developed an easy-to-remember, easy-to-use method for supporting friends in need. This approach, called “A.S.K: Acknowledge, Support, Keep in Touch” is simple.
All you have to do is A.S.K.:
A: Acknowledge
When a friend is going through a tough time, recognize and reflect back to them that you understand what’s going on is hard. Validate their feelings and let them know you’re there for them, ready to listen to whatever they need to talk about, vent about, or get off their chest.
S: Support
Always listen before you reply. Make sure they’re done talking, or at least at a point where they want your input. Then, to ensure you listened well, tell them what you heard, and ask if that’s what they meant. Follow their lead, and ask questions if you think they still need to talk.
K: Keep in Touch
During this conversation, decide when you’re going to talk again. Make plans to text, direct message, or talk in person, and do your best not to drop the ball. Set a reminder on your phone or write it down in your school day planner, if you use one. Following up is important: it shows them you meant what you said about support, and helps give them faith that their friends really do have their back.
While supporting friends, remember that boundaries are a key part of your own mental health. Be careful to safeguard your own mental health while supporting friends. It’s possible to overextend yourself while helping others, which can create problems in your life. Stay mindful, set boundaries, and do what you can: that’s all anyone, including your friends, expect from you.
Things That Help, Things to Avoid While Supporting Friends
When offering support, the way you do it often matters as much as the fact that you do it at all. We’re all familiar with receiving offers of help that seem canned, rehearsed, or insincere. Here’s how to offer support in a way that feels genuine.
Things that Help:
- Be natural and be yourself. Use plain language that you’d use in a typical conversation with that friend.
- Let it happen. After you ask, make sure your friend knows they don’t have to share anything they’re uncomfortable with. Tell them you’re there, ready to listen to whatever it is they’re ready to talk about. If they can’t talk, and need to cry, let them cry: offer a shoulder or a hug, if you’re both comfortable with it.
- Tell them you see them and you understand and respect what they’re going through. If you can’t relate through direct experience, tell them, but also tell them you hear loud and clear how tough their situation must be.
Things to Avoid:
- Avoid trying to sound like an expert with all the answers. Avoid using language that sounds like it comes from your guidance counselor or therapist, if you have one. If you’re sure saying something someone else said to you will help, put it in your own words, using familiar language that matches the dynamic of your relationship with that friend.
- Avoid a barrage of intrusive questions. Yes, you want to get to the heart of the matter, but you need to be patient. Your friend wants support, and probably doesn’t want an interrogation.
- Avoid turning everything back to you. You may relate, and have relevant anecdotes, but keep the focus on them. If you find yourself saying a lot of sentences that being with “I,” consider changing your approach.
The theme here is being yourself and not pretending to be someone you’re not. Your friend – if they’re willing to open up to you – is opening up to you. It’s unlikely they want you to try to be someone you’re not, like a counselor or therapist. They’re opening up to you because of who you are: be that person.
In-Person or Online? Is One Better Than the Other?
Both are good.
Support counts no matter where it comes from or whether it’s offered in-person or over the phone/text/direct message. However, it’s really a case-by-case situation. Some people prefer receiving support in person, others prefer it remotely, with some distance. Some people prefer offering support in-person, while others prefer to offer it remotely.
It depends on what works for both the person offering support and the person receiving support. In either case, there are ways to make in-person and online/remote support easier.
Online Support: Tips
- Send voice messages/notes. These are a great way for your friend to hear a real human voice offering help. They’re more immediate feeling that direct messages or texts, but less demanding than a phone call. One advantage is that your friend can hear your tone of voice, which is helpful in communicating about potentially sensitive topics.
- Online games. These are a great way to make your concern known or offer support in a low-key, no pressure way. While playing, ask them how they’ve been, ask what’s up, maybe tell them you notice they seem a little down lately. Do whatever works, and do whatever seems casual, but caring and genuine.
- Share gifs, emojis, tiktoks, reels, memes. Sharing funny stuff to break the ice is a great idea. It can get the conversation started, and help get it going in a helpful direction. However, make sure what you share is tasteful and mindful. Without tone of voice and body language, things can land wrong.
- Make plans. Use online support to arrange an in-person meeting to talk – if you think it will help. Do your best to offer real human contact. If they don’t want to meet IRL, try a video chat.
Now let’s look at how you can best offer support in-person.
In-Person Support: Tips
- Right Place. When you check in to offer support to friends, try to find a location that’s comfortable, private, and quiet. Make sure you’re not in a place where you’re worried about people listening in. A walk in a park or a coffee shop are good places to talk. And about noise: if your friend is most comfortable hollering across the room while blasting loud music, then do that – just make sure no one else is around.
- Right Time. Check-ins rarely work if they’re forced. If you or your friend is not in the right headspace to talk, then make a plan to connect at a time that works.
- Right Body Language. Put down your phone. Uncross your arms. Focus on them. Eye contact isn’t essential, but avoid looking around like you’re waiting or looking for something more interesting to catch your eye. There’s obviously no real right or wrong here, but if you keep looking away or looking at your phone/tablet/device, you may send a message you don’t want to send. Be natural, be yourself, but keep your focus on them.
- Right People. In 2024, there are clubs, support groups, and peer support networks focused on teen mental health. These clubs focus on offering support to teens in need. If your school has a support group or club focused on mental health, suggest it to your friend. Go with them, and if they share, make sure you listen closely. Later, follow up and check in: they may have more to say. And if not, they’ll get the message that you’re listening, you care, and they matter.
We’ll reiterate that while there’s no objective right or wrong way to support a friend in need, it’s clear that some things are helpful while others are less than helpful. The details can get distracting. What works for one peer dynamic might not work for another – and figuring that out is not always so obvious.
Big Picture: What Do Friends Want From Friends?
We’ll start cheesy.
They want love, respect, and kindness.
Although how that looks might differ drastically from one friend or group of friends to another. From the outside, from an adult’s perspective, the way you show support for your friends might not look like support at all – but that’s okay. Parents don’t have to understand: what matters is that you offer support to your friend in a helpful way, and in a way they can receive it.
We’ll try a non-cheesy approach.
Your friends want to be seen, heard, and understood for who they are.
They want a genuine connection. Therefore, since it’s easy to get bogged down in the details, and we know what works for one person might not work for another, there are three big-picture guidelines that increase your chances of offering effective support for your friends:
Be present, be genuine, be yourself.
If you start with those guiding principles, you’ll be on the right track – and your friends will be thankful that you care, and made the effort to help.
