If you need coparenting tips for the upcoming holidays, we can help.
In the 21st century, families come in all shapes and sizes. Gone are the days when the idealized 1950s era nuclear family – two parents of different genders, 2.5 children, and 1.25 pets – was both norm and goal for many families in the U.S. Now we understand that what defines a family and formalities – such as marriage and children by birth – aren’t as important as they once were.
We know divorced parents can raise happy and successful kids, we know same-sex couples can raise happy and successful kids, and we know two parents who have a child together but never got married can also raised happy, successful kids.
We’ve learned the important things families and in parenting don’t always depend on an external formula defined by a specific family structure. It’s worth repeating that families are defined by unconditional love, respect, compassion, commitment, and kindness. When those elements are present, people from diverse backgrounds and experience can join together and experience the power of family, whether they’re officially related or not.
However, all that doesn’t solve a simple problem that families across the country face during the holiday season:
How do you manage the ins and outs of coparenting between Thanksgiving and the New Year in a way that reduces stress, promotes the holiday spirit, and above all, is fair and equitable for everyone?
If you’re in a coparenting situation, we know how you can achieve that goal, and we have five tips to help you get there. In this article, we’ll share our coparenting tips for the holidays, then close with a series of relevant facts and figures about divorce, parenting, and the impact on of different coparenting styles on children.
How to Make the Holidays Work When You’re a Coparent
We’ll get straight to the information you want: coparenting tips for the holidays, a.k.a. help on how to manage the holidays when you have a child or children with someone you’re not married to. First, though, to ensure we’re all on the same page, we’ll define what we mean by coparenting.
Experts in parenting and child development define coparenting as follows:
“Co-parenting is an arrangement where both parents work together and share the responsibilities of raising their child, or children, even though they are no longer married or in a romantic relationship.”
We include that definition to clarify that if you consider yourself a coparent, you’re required to actively engage in parenting: sending a monthly check helps, of course, but money is not love, and financial support is not the same as parenting.
Now we’re ready to share our top tips for holiday coparenting.
Five Coparenting Tips for the Holidays
1. Children First.
This simple tip is the core of all the advice we offer here. One question should guide every decision related to coparenting over the holidays:
What’s best for the kids?
You may have unresolved interpersonal relationship issues with your former spouse or your coparent. For the benefit of everyone involved, set those aside during the holidays, and prioritize creating a healthy atmosphere for your children.
2. Plan Ahead.
You may have made these decisions during a divorce arbitration. If you were never married, you may have come to agreements on your own about the holidays, without the need for the type of external arbitration many divorcing couples go through. As you know, there are quite a few questions to answer, and most revolve around where your kids will be and when they’ll be there. Making scheduling decisions in advance gives everyone time to prepare, manage expectations, and understand exactly what they need to do and when and where they need to do it.
3. Same Place, Same Time
This may or may not be possible for you, depending on your dynamic, but kids – especially when they’re young – absolutely love it when they get to spend time with both their parents at the same time. There are exceptions of course: some differences between spouses and children are irreconcilable. However, when the problems aren’t too extreme, we encourage parents to do their best to find a way to make this happen over the holidays. Not only do kids enjoy being with both parents, engaging in a shared activity models maturity and shows kids that mature adults can set aside differences and come together when it matters.
4. Extended Family Outings
It’s possible that being in the same place at the same time might not be realistic for your situation. Or perhaps what’s not realistic is being in the same house at the same time. If that’s the case, you can satisfy the same place, same time advice by arranging a family event out in public. A church service, a holiday show, skating rinks, neighborhood caroling – all these can bring the family together, including grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins – without the need for extended, close interaction between coparents.
5. Know Yourself and Your Coparent
Like planning activities for your teen, the idea here is to set up the holidays for success. You know yourself and you know your coparent, which means you know what you can handle and what they can handle. Keep that in mind as you plan: kids come first, but be realistic about how much and how often you can be around your coparent. It’s different for every family, and may take trial and error – but creating a joyful holiday for your kids is well worth the effort and forethought.
If you follow those five tips, you’ll increase the likelihood you, your kids, and your coparent will have a successful holiday season. Remember: kids first, love wins – remember those things, and your kids will thank you for it.
We’ll close this article with basic facts about divorce in the U.S., which can give us an idea of roughly how many kids have parents who aren’t married, and how their coparenting style may impact their lives.
How Many Kids in the U.S. Have Coparents?
We’ll start with the data on divorce, which gives us an initial idea of the number of coparenting pairs – and kids with coparents – are figuring out how to manage the holidays.
Overall, data on children of divorce compiled by the Institute for Family Studies (IFS) shows:
- About 50% of children in the U.S. will see their parents get a divorce
- About half of those will see a second divorce
- Roughly 10% of those will see a third divorce
With a child population of roughly 74 million, we can see that a large number of children have parents who aren’t married. That means if you’re in a coparenting situation, you’re definitely not alone: millions of parents have been where you are, and managed to navigate the holidays successfully.
Here are additional facts and figures on divorce, compiled by Forbes magazine, with source material from the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), include the following:
Overall Figures: Divorce in the U.S.
- The divorce rate decreased between 2000 and 2022:
- 2000: 8.2 divorces per 1,000 people
- 2022: 6.2 divorces per 1,000 people
That statistic surprised us, but it’s encouraging: we know no one gets married with plans to get divorced. Let’s take a look at the rest of the data on divorce from the IFS and the CDC. This data set includes facts on children of divorce.
Divorce and Children in the U.S.: Custody Arrangements
- About 5.8% of children under 18 live with their mother
- 51% of single mothers never married
- 29% divorced
- Shared custody is now the most common arrangement among divorcing couples with children
- About 1.6% of children lived with their father
- 41% of single fathers never married
- 38% divorced
We assume that many, but not all, of those families now engage in a coparenting situation, which can take many forms. In fact, in the study Patterns of Coparenting and Young Children’s Social–Emotional Adjustment in Low-Income Families, researchers identified at least four primary coparenting styles.
We’ll elaborate on that study now.
How Does Coparenting Style Affect Children?
It’s important to reiterate that there are as many coparenting styles as there are coparenting pairs. The list below groups them by their primary characteristics, which vary by family. After defining those four coparenting styes, the research team observed impact of the four coparenting styles om children, which we also include with each parenting style in the bullet list below.
Coparenting Styles Among Non-Married Parents and Their Impact on Children
- Cooperative profile. Defined by high cooperation and low conflict: 39% of sample.
- Higher levels of social competence in children
- Lower levels of behavioral problems
- Lower levels of internalizing and externalizing disorders
- Compromising profile. Defined by moderate cooperation and moderate conflict: 19% of sample.
- Higher levels of social competence in children
- Conflict profile. Defined by low cooperation and high conflict: 22% of sample.
- Lower levels of social competence in children
- Higher levels of behavioral problems
- Higher levels of internalizing and externalizing disorders
- Uninvolved profile. Defined by low cooperation and low conflict: 19% of sample
- Child outcomes fell between cooperative and compromising coparenting profiles
We included this last data set to emphasize the importance ofooperative, engaged coparenting. When parents work together and minimize conflict, outcomes improve. On the other hand, when parents don’t work together and experience high levels of conflict, outcomes for children include decreased social confidence and an increase in social, emotional, and behavioral problems.
Therefore, if you’re a coparent, we encourage you to consider the coparenting tips for the holidays we offer above, which prioritize communication, cooperation, and decreased conflict – all things that improve long-term outcomes for your children.
